Saturday, September 27, 2008

The mundaneness of existence...

It's a feeling which has been growing stronger and stronger within me over the last few weeks. Life, however you live is, is so mundane. You do your schooling, your college, your degree and get a job. You rise up through it, jump companies and keep growing. Or you get an advanced degree which makes a few of those initial jumps larger or quicker. You go through college, grad or post-grad, with the aim of getting a good job, initially an idealistic one which will make you happy, which is 'what you want to do', a profile you 'like'. Or you try for one which will give you more money. Either way, you'll work hard, slog like anything, do well. You'll find someone, with a lot of effort when you are young, because you ( and he or she ) can afford to be choosy and wait for the 'best' person to trundle along, or very quickly, if you are slightly older and starting to grow desperate and acknowledge that gnawing fear inside you that you might not end up with anybody. Or you do nothing and take the (for some people) easiest way out of selecting a person chosen by your parents. Either way, you get together, you stay together for a while, get married. A few decent years pass by. You have fights, you settle them, you move on. If the fights part is larger than the move on part, you separate. You go through pain, sorrow, hurt. Which you would have also gone through anyway even if you were with him or her. You'll have kids, you'll watch them grow. Life goes on. As typical as ever. As mundane as ever. Sometimes you are lucky to follow your passions, sometimes survival demands sacrifices, sacrifices which start with your passions because they are the most expendable. You keep going on and on, and somewhere deep inside you, starts growing a gnawing doubt : what for? The mundanity, the stupefying ordinariness of your existence starts getting to you. What for? What's the drive? Why continue, when the end is just another ordinary, mundane, nobody cares about you ending? It just gets so overwhelming at times :| I haven't seen life beyond a certain stage, but its appears just so set and typical. Its like it hardly matters what you do now, tomorrow, or next week, because in the larger scheme of things, it doesn't matter, life's still gonna be an ordinary, sodding mess. A mess from which there is no getting out of. It feels strange that at 25, the excitement of life seems to be lost to me. I appreciate the small moments of happiness, enjoy them too, but they never seem to be enough of an answer to the question which keeps bothering me. Why? What for?

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