Wednesday, August 20, 2008

:|

The weekend passed in studying for the QM quiz. Monday and Tuesday were a drag, with lectures for most part of the day. Tuesday was curtains for OB and QM, the last lectures for the semesters. Wednesday brought a real shock for me in terms of the marks for one of the subjects for the mid-sems. I'd done badly, and I was quite upset about it. It wasn't that I hadn't worked hard - I knew what I'd put in before and during the exams. I knew I wasn't going to fare extremely well after the paper, but I didn't expect to be below the class average. Frankly, I am at my wits' end. I know I cant put in more than this. I have to change the way I study, but I am clueless about how :| The end-sems will be a test of fire. I have to adapt, and adapt quickly, unless I want to spend a miserable 2 years here.

It's here when I wonder whether this course is really for me. I often feel out of place here, and it's not because of any one particular thing. I am unable to 'click' studies-wise. I don't want to be in a capitalist company which doesn't care a hoot about anything other than bottomlines. But I have no choice here. I don't want to worsen what is already a consumption oriented economy - one who's boom is tied with the stripping of mother nature. I don't want to be a part of an infrastructural boom, I don't want to 'develop' beautiful landscapes into concrete jungles. And yet, I don't have a choice. I have to follow the herd. I have to get a good summers, work hard, get a good finals, get a 'dream' job, or one which I would call a dream job after I realize that my actual dream job is way out of reach. I am stuck in the miserable grey area between a typical life and one which makes sense to me. And yet, I know that I cannot lead a life which makes sense to me, it requires too many sacrifices of things which I have unfortunately grown up getting used to. Money. Comfort. Materialistic pleasures. I lack the good parts of both worlds, the contentedness of being rich and leading a comfortable life and the satisfaction of doing something which makes sense to you and you love at the cost of worldly pleasures. I am, truly, stuck in place from where there is no getting out.

No comments: